


detachable

by knightnox



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Autistic Greg House, Crack Treated Seriously, Dick Jokes, Fluff, Mario Kart, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, autistic foreman, no ones cishet lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28785672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightnox/pseuds/knightnox
Summary: a tale of doctors and phallic objects
Relationships: Allison Cameron/Robert Chase, Greg House/James Wilson, Lawrence Kutner/Chris Taub
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	detachable

house barged into wilson's office like he always does, the sound ripping through the calm air of wilson's office like a scalpel through flesh, the lines on his forehead getting more scrunched by the second. he stomped over and slammed his hands on the paper cluttered desk, making the other man jump slightly. blue eyes met brown and they continued their eternal game of trying to mind-read the other. knowing an insane in the membrane crack fiend for over two decades would do that to you.

"where's my dick, wilson?!" he snarled.

wilson blinked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, left hand clutched the pen as it hovered uselessly over paperwork.

"uh. in your pants, i assume?" 

house threw himself on the well-worn couch, black fake leather designed to make his patients comfortable, even when they got an unavoidable death sentence. house would say 'everyone dies' but how many get an exact date to when their body becomes dust? 

he shifted his thighs uncomfortably with a grimace, staring at wilson defiantly, willing the bastard to get the fucking point. the other man just stared back, apparently immune to house's mind probing.

"little greg is probably scared and alone right now. when will the injustice end?" he sobbed.

“wasn't in our room, i thought you wanted some freaky alone time with it.”

wilson rolled his eyes in exasperation. 

  
  


the problem with working in a highly specific field was that the time in between cases was always varied. getting house to be interested in dying people was a hard thing to do if their symptoms weren't bizarre enough to get a reaction. the team had to entertain themselves while house- did whatever house does. 

kutner whooped as his luigi got a star power-up, gaining enough speed to catch up to thirteen, who was comfortably cruising in first, daisy's hair fluttering in the wind. he almost made it to second when Rose Gold Peach pelted him with a green shell, making him drop back to seventh. 

"argh! this is rigged, man," he grumbled.

"maybe you just suck." thirteen said, tongue peeking out from her teeth as she turned a corner. they passed the finish line, making them a whole lap ahead of kutner. 

taub leaned her head against kutner’s shoulder, watching the action on the small screen. they were beaten by thirteen pretty easily, she'd never been good at competitive games. they started their race by driving backward, who even does that? she did pick one of the koopalings, so she gets a pass. kutner had to defend his partner’s honor by beating thirteen, but apparently, they were unreasonably good at mario kart. taub glanced over at foreman, who’s attention was caught in the pages of a business magazine. she didn't know if they were actually reading it or just touching the smooth pages. they were also rocking rhythmically so, probably not reading. 

kutner finally passed the finish line, in 3rd place, beaten by the smug-looking hell-spawn baby bowser. he glared as thirteen laughed triumphantly, holding her DS in the air like a golden trophy. taub gave him a sympathetic smooch, and kutner felt a little better.

"bleck, your lips taste like coffee."

"sorry, I'll just not kiss you then," taub sat up from her position curled against the other, stretching her limbs with a series of crackles and pops. 

off in the corner cameron and chase were throwing a hacky sack back and forth. chase bounced it up into the air, then smacked it towards cameron. he caught it by the tip of his fingers, having to jump a little to reach it. he launched the sack full force at chase's noggin, hitting her dead center on the forehead. she tumbled to the ground dramatically. cameron raced forward, concern showing through his giggles.

"oh god, sorry!" he said, voice warbling with laughter. 

"i have a bloody concussion now, thanks," she said, rubbing the spot where the hacky sack beaned her.

house limped into the office with a mission. his eyes flickered to chase and cameron, who were on the floor, and the new team, their game playing loudly while thirteen shouted their victory and kutner was cradled in taub’s arms, foreman was stimming and ignoring everyone. 

"what am i, running a daycare?! we have a new case." house said, taking his chair at the front of the long table. the rest of the team followed, chairs scraping against the carpet. 

"I've lost my dick." 

"but we saw lucas last week."

"not that dick! the one i bang wilson with." house said with an eyebrow waggle. 

"i need all of you to help me find it, it's-"

"so, instead of doing our jobs, we're looking for your detachable dick?" taub dryly asked.

"yup! and don't interrupt me. it's 5 inches long and in the color 'nude'."

"you get to choose your dong and you don't even get the biggest option." kutner spoke up with a shake of their head. 

"it's prosthetic and I'm a cripple so you’re all obligated to find it for me." house said. he then threw his feet up and leaned back, pleased with himself immensely.

the team shared a series of looks that were exclusively used for House's Fuckshit, until they rested on foreman, who sighed with dramatic flare.

"go do clinic duty and see if you spot it between shifts," they said. 

the team rose from their chairs at once, house thought it was freaky when they did that, moving like a hivemind. but that's what made an effective team, they knew exactly where to go and what to do. he was also eternally relieved to have cultivated a team comprised entirely of queer folk. the whole game show/ internship / indentured servitude of selecting his new fellows was in part to blame for this. being a big massive genius meant his gaydar was in perfect condition, even if the whole gaydar thing was rooted in homophobic stereotypes, but house was indeed homophobic and gay. 

cuddy grabbed the stack of HR complaint files, near-identical copies of each other with Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital proudly stamped at the top, putting them in a neat pile with an exhausted sigh. nearly 90% of them had to do with house or one of his underlings violating at least three OSHA standards. she dealt with it because house was the best in the country, and she would fight tooth and claw to keep him. her hand scribbled out signatures and checked boxes with practiced precision. sunrays barcoded themselves against the beige walls of the office, blocked occasionally by a passing cloud.

she heard house's signature clack step coming before her doors swung open with much more force than necessary, the man throwing an accusatory glare at her. cuddy sighed again and pulled her aspirin bottle closer to her. house snatched a file from her desk, skimming over it and making a face at it, then threw it back with a disinterested sniff.

“what do you want, house? i'm busy,” said she. 

“with what? you know you can just throw mine away i don't show up. anyway, my massive dong has gone missing and you’re one of the only people who would want it, so. hand it over.” house reached out his hand, leaning halfway on his cane.

cuddy leaned back in her leather chair, one hand on the budding headache arising from house just being in her presence. her hair was wrapped in a messy bun, strands of black hair already freeing themselves from the olive green tie and falling back into the natural fold. 

“i don’t have your dick, house. go bother someone else,” she said. house just stood there, observing her for any signs that she might be lying. he was very good at deciphering a Cuddy Lie. his arm fell back against his body with a smack. his eyes flickered to the window, trying to get his brain to focus on the events of last night and remember where he put the damn thing.

“what do you even need a packer for anyway? you don’t even top,” cuddy murmured, back to filling out hr files. house huffed a noise of annoyance. of course, wilson would gossip about their bedtime escapades, the idiot. spinning on his heel, which was difficult to do with one and a half legs, he limped out of her office. 

wilson walked aimlessly through the cafeteria with his tray of food in hand, looking for a table to sit at. he’d mostly forgotten about house’s predicament from the morning, being one of the only doctors who did their jobs around here. seated, he lifted half of the tuna sandwich to his mouth, when saw house coming towards him. instinctively he separated some of his lunch for the other, but knowing house he would take whatever he wanted anyway. 

"stop telling people i’m a bottom," he grumbled, snatching a bag of chips from his plate. wilson couldn't stop himself from smirking a bit. 

"i’m just stating facts," said he. house leaned forward and crunched a chip in wilson's ear. 

"as much as i want cuddy all over my dick, we're in a relationship, sweetums," he said, fluttering his eyelashes.

"did you find it yet?" said wilson, but house was too busy staring off into space, eyes blazing with a realization. he glanced towards wilson and lurched up from his chair, which screeched, and smirked. 

"you always bring out the best in me, jimmy." he said, limping away with purpose. 

in the bathroom of a formerly used patient room, tucked carefully under the sink, was house's phallus, cold and sad without its owner. the man in question barged, door banging loudly as he located his missing part. holding the thing in his hands was a great relief, he sighed happily holding the familiar shape in his hands. he rinsed it thoroughly before putting it back in its rightful place between his legs, he never trusted that janitor. 

"you took it off?!" exclaimed wilson.

"they didn't make packers with piss holes when i bought it," house grumbled. 

**Author's Note:**

> join my server where i think about taub a normal and healthy amount :) https://discord.gg/VJGmgN8


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